50 On & Off-page SERP factors

Hi, I compiled this list in hope of some higher SE ranking for you guys, I guarantee you lovely results .

1. Base your site on frames.. Frames are good..Use frames..
2. Never use CSS, CSS sucks
3. Don’t use html, just put in your text
4. Stuff your keywords into your text, a density of 99% is just great.
5. Invent code, Google likes creativity, try things like <intro> and <ilovegoogle> 
6. put your whole code in javascript, a document.write() should do well.
7. encrypt your whole code, then just decrypt it using javascript
8. Cloak, use code to figure out if this is a search engine, if it is show up a custom SEO’d page
9. Link farms! Link Farms! Link to thousands from the same page, Google loves to see that you share your visitors
10. Add a <meta name=”ROBOTS” content=”No-INDEX”>, that will assure that all your content will get indexed
11. Hide text! Link to lots of sites, just make sure it’s color is the same of that background! Google likes it alot.
12. It’s either stuff or don’t put any keywords at all. If you don’t like to stuff, just don’t put the keyword anywhere in the page…
13. Adsense is a part of Google and Google bots will visit your site whenever YOU click on some of the adsense ads on your site.
14. Make sure your code is atleast 40 table levels deeep,,,,
15. Don’t use title tags, SEs find them disturbing
16. Paragraph headings practicaly suck! Never use them. Especially that so called h1
17. “More code, less content”, that’s a SEO’r’s thumb rule.
18. Relevency is bad;; Don’t make a page with relevent content, a page should have a section for “a” and another for “z”, meaning they have to be so irrelevent .
19. Use old tags, that proves your old and authentic to Google.
20. Domain Age;; If you’re site has been registered for more than a year;;it’s hopeless..
21. Link back to site in which this IF structure would work on “if ($site_to_link_to < 0){return $link;}”
22. Don’t use ALT tags, SEs will just take it as an excuse to replace your pictures in their cache..
23. Make sure your page is slow, that will insure that SEs will spend more time at your site
24. Use lots of images in your site. Heck! Don’t use anything in your site but images, heavy loaded images wih no ALT tags..
25. If you’re really stupid and decided to use title tags, then just be sure you use the same title tag through out your whole site.
26. Only link to sites using javascript.
27. Use a <meta name=”Revisit” content=”9999 days”> this will get Google to visit you every nw and then..
28. It’s harder to read code than write it, make sure you commented on each line..
29. Don’t add an index to your directories, you’re probably using Apache so it’s like getting a free sitemap for your site .
30. Be creative when linking to the pages on your site, try using image maps and buttons for a start off.
31. Only use dynamic urls, atleast 9 parameters, 9 LONG parameters..
32. Try to target no less than 200 different keywords, and make sure all of these keywords are mentioned once or even twice if you wanna get the best reults.
33. XML is the language of the err millenium, not XHTML, make sure your sites are in XML.
34. Make sure your site is password protected, this will make sure than only search engines could find the worthy content of yours.
35. Reciprocal links are the key – if anyone links to you, make sure you link back to him..
36. Only concentrate on MSN results, Google won’t ever make sense .
37. Custom 404 pages – make sure a custom, hand-made page is showed when an error occurs.
38. –Add Adsense to the error page;; It’s not like it breaks any Google TOS or anything..
39. Download the Google toolbar and fire up your site. If your site has a > 1 PR you have to know your toast. If it is go along to the sites that link back to you and demand they take the links off.
40. “Content is Queen” – another thumb rule – go along to every good site you know and take all the text they have and put it on yours. I f they want you to take it off- simply don’t.
41. Never link to a site of yours more than once..
42. Remember to add a session id parameter to all your links.
43. Remember to add as much as clones of a page as possible, just change it’s name.
44. Make sure all your links are static, that means they aren’t clickable..
45. Make sure that the sites that link to you are only PR0 or less
46. If you’re keyword was in any way in the link your toast, so becareful..
47. Make sure all the links back to you have the same text or else Google will think of your site as spam.
48. Make sure all the links back to your site have the rel=”no-follow” attribute..I.E Damnz.!!
49. Comment everywhere, especially X rated sites.
50. Make sure all the links back to you are only redirects, not clickable links .

You’ll probably rank in the top 10 in a couple of days after doing EVERYTHING listed above! Feedback! I wanna know about what’s goin on with your site..

@n00bs: I’m kidding, try and avoid doing these key concepts and you’ll rank great .

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